One Way to Adapt to the Death of Your Loved One
By Lou LaGrand
I have often heard people who are mourning say that they are not ready to move forward and reinvest in life after the death of their loved one. This is not unusual, since every grief is different because the emotional investment each person has in the deceased is one-of-a-kind.
Mistakenly, we sometimes equate moving forward as forgetting the loved one. In reality, moving forward means establishing new routines, using your strengths to reinvest in life—and most importantly—learning to love in separation. There are many ways we can show our love for the deceased even though he/she is not physically present.
Remember, you can begin to reinvest in life and at the same time continue to grieve and miss your loved one. So how can you start to move forward even though you are mourning? Here is an effective approach.
I once asked a group of widows and widowers what they wanted to walk away with at the end of our eight week grief support program. In short, why did they come to the group? Here are some of their responses which are typical needs (goals) often expressed.
1. Become stronger and cope with my new life.
2. To find meaning and direction.
3. I want to have a feeling of community.
4. Knowledge about grief and coping.
5. To give strength and find the right things to say to my children.
6. I want more happy days than sad ones.
7. To be able to talk to people without crashing.
8. Be stronger emotionally.
9. Have a reason to live.
10. Acceptance of God's will and determination to move on.
Let’s pick one of these wants and see how it can be developed. Take number 6, I want more happy days than sad ones. Place this or any want or goal you have in your grieving at the top of a piece of paper that you will keep in a prominent place (on your refrigerator, night table, etc.).
Then begin to list the specific behaviors that represent a happy day. What were the things you did? There are times during mourning when people report having a good day. Examine the things you did, including the thoughts you had, that made it a good day and write them down under the heading on your paper. You may only remember one or two. However, whenever you have a good feeling in the future as part of the day, note it and add it to your list. Gradually, you will have a long list of specific behaviors that will be useful.
Now when you have a bad day and start spiraling downward, turn to your list, pick one of the behaviors and start using it.
Always look for specific behaviors you have to engage in that represent action toward your goal or want. Taking action is a proven survival skill because it changes the focus of your thinking. Ask yourself the question, “What do I have to do to (write in whatever you want to achieve)?” For example, it may mean consulting an expert, carefully reviewing your life, doing some reading, finding out what really makes you happy, talking to others who have dealt with a loss similar to your loss, or compiling a list of reasons to live based on what others have done after great losses.
Gather all of the information and write it into behavioral form under your heading. Then act on the information. Do something with it. Make reaching your goal, as you grieve, a major focus of your healing. It all depends on the action you decide to take and it will eventually help you to live with your great loss as you still honor the loved one.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lou_LaGrand http://EzineArticles.com/?One-Way-to-Adapt-to-the-Death-of-Your-Loved-One&id=742990
|
