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Gossip - A Form of Workplace Violence
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D

To many folks, the idea of “workplace violence” connotes the physical harm that one may do to another. However, there is another form of workplace violence that is as dangerous and insidious, and this is workplace gossip.

Gossip is any language that would cause another harm, pain, or confusion that is used outside the presence of another for whom it is intended.

As a facilitator, trainer and business coach, I've experienced numerous workplace situations where gossip was a norm. Curiously enough, in these same organizations, most folks would say they were "against" it. Even more, in these same situations, after formal meetings to discuss the "gossip issue," after sensitivity workshops designed to reduce and eliminate pernicious gossip, after mandating "there be no more gossip..." and after pledging to have more honest, open and direct communication (wherein folks verbalized their "commitment” to speak directly to a colleague, in order to eliminate the "gossip problem,") many of these same committed folks consciously choose to continue to engage in the practice of gossip.

Why?

Gossip is essentially a form of attack, which often arise from an individual’s conscious and unconscious fears. For some people, their ostensible commitment "not to gossip" is easily lost in their fears, anxieties, or concerns about what their life might be like if they stopped gossiping. (e.g., “Who would I be then?” What would I do then?” “How would I be one of the guys…?” "Would I have to eat lunch alone?" "Would I lose all my friends?") Some broader definitions of gossip not only relate to "negative" remarks, but even extend to "positive" or "neutral" remarks that are focused on making conversation that is centered on the activities/behaviors of others, again, outside the presence of that person.

Stopping the practice of "talking about others" is challenging for many. Why? Many folks just can't be authentic in life. So, many revert to the self-defense mechanism of gossiping, which is a defense mechanism or self-protection device they use to so they never have to :show up", or be vulnerable, or disclose information about their feelings or emotions, or "open up". For these folks, gossiping is a strategy for protecting against revealing one's real or true self. These folks have walked around for so long wearing masks and assuming false identities, that opening up and revealing who they really, really are is just downright frightening and threatening.

So, one's inner desire to be authentic and sincere, and not gossip, needs to emerge from a person's deep sense of integrity, and from a conscious, heart-felt desire to be harmless in the context of their life and in their interactions with others.

Without this profound inner commitment to harmlessness, an injunction to "stop gossiping", for example, is simply an “outer” induced rule or policy that can often bring up ego-based behaviors in reaction to the "rule." So, one continues to find "excuses" (since there's never a "reason") to gossip.

From this outer perspective toward gossiping, some people may take on the role of being an enforcer of the rule; others may not want to “enforce” the rule because they don’t wish to be perceived as too assertive, too aggressive, too pushy, or too tough when they call others on their gossiping. In addition, others may not want to be identified as a "do-gooder", "crusader", or "spiritual" etc.

In addition, there are those folks who want or need to be liked and accepted, and who want or need others to feel comfortable with them, and so they often continue to engage in the gossip when approached. Why? They don't want to feel like the "odd one out."

So, at the end of the day (and throughout the day!), the commitment not to gossip often dissipates rather quickly over time.

Or, someone may be "upholding the rule" outwardly, but still be gossiping in their thoughts, still sending out hostile vibrations, and just being “quiet” about it. Often, this covert behavior is even more dangerous and insidious.

Gossip is a fear-based behavior and so one's need for self-protection (i.e., not "show up" authentically) is often greater than one’s initial commitment "not to gossip." The self-protection brings a kind of pseudo safety and false sense of well-being that might otherwise be in jeopardy; so one continues to gossip to keep the focus on "someone else, not me."

For other folks, the issue is not so much that they're consciously being self-protective; it's when they DON'T KNOW they are being self-protective that is critical, and thus, many people are unable to take self-responsibility for their behavior. As a result, many folks begin to look outside themselves (blame, find fault, complain, whine...) when they fail to take responsibility for themselves, as they don’t have the awareness to go inside to explore "what's up." So, they gossip and look to fine some "reason", out there, to gossip.

Unless we truly explore our inner behavior (mental models, self-images, ego constructs, super-ego judgments, attendant beliefs, feelings and emotions), we cannot be free from both the urge and the habit of gossip. We can stop gossiping in the workplace only when an inner desire emerges from a deep sense of integrity and authenticity, and a conscious desire to be harmless in the context of our life and in our interactions with others.

Gossip is a form of workplace violence. To be free from inflicting this violence on others we need to explore and heal the split between our outer self and inner self. Only then can we live honest, sincere and responsible lives in the workplace, and out.

How to coach yourself about gossiping:

Why am I engaging in gossiping or supporting others who do so?
What does gossiping get me?
Is there another way to get this same result without harming another?
Does gossiping align with my personal and my organization's espoused values around respecting and honoring people?
Would I repeat this gossip directly to the person it’s about?
Would I want to be quoted on TV or in the papers or in the company newsletter?
Would I encourage my children to engage in the behavior of gossip?
Would I engage in it if it were about a relative or personal friend?
Am I expressing my authenticity, sincerity, and integrity when I gossip?
Does gossiping match my commitments to my self and others?
Do I feel ethical when I'm gossiping?

(c) 2006, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. All rights in all media reserved.

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, is co-founder of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta,
GA firm specializing in coaching, counseling and facilitating for essential-well-being.
Peter's expertise focuses on personal, business and relationship
coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For
more information about his services, email Peter at
pvajda@spiritheart.net.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Peter_Vajda,_Ph.D
http://EzineArticles.com/?Gossip---A-Form-of-Workplace-Violence&id=133712

Gossip - A Form of Workplace Violence (Part II)
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D

Today there's an ever-increasing emphasis on gossip, which is played out in any number of Reality TV shows, in celebrity gossip shows and in the print media (e.g., The National Enquirer sells more than 3 million copies each week).

In company offices, in meetings, on the phone, in emails, in social settings and around the water cooler, people are spending more time talking about someone else – in language that is most often harmful, hurtful, critical, demeaning, and judgmental — and outside the presence of the one who is the subject of the conversation.

Whereas, in the past, we might have viewed gossip in the workplace as playful, “idle”, and  “just kidding,” gossip today has taken on a tone of abuse, a tone of violence. Gossip, in fact, is a form of personal attack. We also engage in gossip as a way of avoiding personal responsibility for our  feelings of frustration, irritation and anger by acting out through gossip and focusing our personal discontent on another.

Gossip is an emotional cancer in the workplace that eats away at the sense of well-being of the individual and the team.

One of the hallmarks of a true “team” is shared values — including mutual honesty, trust and respect. Where gossip rears its ugly head, these shared values are nonexistent. In fact, when gossip exists in the workplace, there can be no “team”. The label “team” is meaningless. At best, there is but a “group.”

Contrary to popular opinion, gossip is not benign; it's not idle; it's not tame; it's not "for the fun of it". It's certainly not entertainment. Moreover, gossip in the workplace is not a problem; it is a symptom — indicating a lack of well-being in one's own mind-body-spirit integration. In addition, a workplace culture and environment where gossip flourishes indicates a lack of well-being in the body of the organization.

Gossip is a very real pernicious and insidious form of workplace violence. The word “violence” is a strong word and a work we commonly associate with physical aggression. The Random House Dictionary of English points to "violence of speech and distortion." Thus, while we may wish to consider the way we talk as not being violent, in fact, our words in the context of gossip often lead to hurt, pain and suffering.

In my "Gossip – A Form of Workplace Violence" workshops,  I define gossip as “any language that is most often harmful, hurtful, critical, demeaning and judgmental — and outside the presence of the one who is the subject or target of the conversation."

Gandhi used the term “nonviolence” as it refers to our natural state of being loving and compassionate — when there is no violence in our heart or in our mind. In fact, gossip is not present, not even possible, when we’re in our natural state of acceptance, compassion and tolerance. So, when dealing with gossip in the workplace, it's critical to explore not only the symptom, but also the root cause of this particular aspect of workplace violence. And, to discover root causes, it's well to begin with a powerful question: "Why do I choose to gossip?"

One approach to answering this question is to be curious about our history around gossip. If gossiping is part of our character and personality now, there's a good chance that we have been conditioned to gossip, that gossiping has become part of our wiring which we bring everyday to our workplace.

Exploring our history around gossiping, and reflecting on our past and present need to gossip, at work, at home and at play, we can ask ourselves three questions:

1.What's my experience as the one who is gossiping?

2.What's my experience been as the one who has been the target of gossip?, and

3.On a  scale of 1-10, to what degree does gossiping take up a greater part of my time and energy?

Honest and responsible responses to these questions can give us some insights into our personal relationship with gossip and about any habits and instincts we may have to gossip.

A second approach to exploring the "Why do I gossip?" question is to look at what gossip gets us — in other words, what our motivations for gossiping are. In other words, "Why am I willingly (consciously or unconsciously) choosing to cause another person harm, hurt, upset, or pain?" The old WIIFM ("What's in it for me?") question.

Since no one of us is born gossiping, how is it that some of us develop into individuals who have a desire, need or obsession to engage in a such a violent or toxic behavior like gossip? The short answer is that each of us grows up with three basic psycho-social needs: the need for control, the need for security and the need for recognition. The reality is that because many of us feel we're not in control of our lives, or feel we're not receiving adequate attention, acknowledgment and recognition, or feel insecure within ourselves, we look outside our self for ways to "feel good" and to "feel better" about life and about our world. While there are many ways to meet these three needs, one of the most blatant and egregious ways we meet these three needs at work is through gossiping. In other words, by preoccupying ourselves with the life, or activities of another person, by being critical of them, by being judgmental of them, by being dishonest about them, by betraying them, and by putting them down, through the act of gossip, we feel we are lifting ourselves up.

So, when we are experiencing feelings of inferiority, insecurity, deficiency, and lack, or when we are feeling like a "nobody" and have a need to feel like a "somebody," we often believe we can gain some sense of control, recognition, approval or security by engaging in discussions about others, by gossiping.

So, by asking ourselves, with honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility:

Why do I gossip?

Why, really, do I gossip?

Why, really, really, do I gossip?

Why really, really, really do I gossip?

And

What does gossip get me?

What, really, does gossip get me?

What, really, really, does gossip get me?

What, really, really, really, does gossip get me?

...we can begin to explore the root causes of why we gossip and why we choose to allow the violence of gossip to permeate much of our workplace behavior and why in our workplace we so often gossip in an attempt to feel good about ourselves in some conscious or unconscious way at the expense of harming another.

(c) 2006, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. All rights in all media reserved.

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, is co-founder of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta,
GA firm specializing in coaching, counseling and facilitating.
Peter's expertise focuses on personal, business and relationship
coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For
more information about his services, email Peter at
pvajda@spiritheart.net.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Peter_Vajda,_Ph.D
http://EzineArticles.com/?Gossip---A-Form-of-Workplace-Violence-(Part-II)&id=154741